That awkward moment when your about to hug somebody sexy & then headbutt the mirror!
 

That awkward moment when... The your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. 

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. 

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. 

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. 

Wars not determine who is right, determines who is left. 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

Man who drives like hell bound to get there. 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. 

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ... 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a tiger would!"...

#1. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

#2. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

#3. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' 
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

 #4.  It was mealtime during an airline flight.  
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  
'What are my choices?'  John asked.  
'Yes or no,' she replied.

#5. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

#6. The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#7. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.